So I’m not gonna lie to you guys. I first came out to literally everyone but my family and people I knew on social media. I first came out on tiktok putting the lgbtq+ flag into my bio and it felt very freeing.
For the first time in my life I didn’t have to worry about hiding my sexuality and could just be who I was. I next came out on Instagram. People from my school had seen it on Instagram after that. Of course it didn’t really matter because I had already switched to online school by then.
That had mostly to do with my anxiety though not with my sexuality. It was completely satisfying to be able to post about my sexuality or about having a simple crush without lying about their gender. And no offense to my ex but he also played a part in helping me discover myself.
I realized while in that relationship I had started reading books with only wlw relationships as it gave me something to relate to. and that’s how I realized that I was lesbian. Well that and the fact that I was very awkward with him. Throughout our almost 2 year relationship we had only held hands twice.
But coming out to my family/ relatives was something completely different. Because eventually my 10 year old brother decided to get tiktok and he saw the flag in my bio.
That same day he texted me nervously asking if I was gay. And of course me being tired of hiding who I was I decided to tell the truth. I replied to his text saying that I was gay. And he was the first family member I came out to.
Unfortunately for me though, my mom, seeing how much fun Da’mon had making tiktoks, decided to make an account herself. I of course didn’t know this. But eventually she told me that she downloaded it. I got so nervous but she had never brought up my account so I thought she didn’t know.
Well I thought wrong.
One night I had gotten hungry and decided to grab a midnight snack. To bad my mom was sitting downstairs sipping her wine and getting a little tipsy. So what exactly happened?
She confronted me saying and I quote “ So when were you going to tell me?” I was so confused at first not understanding what she was talking about. That is until she clarified about her having seen my tiktok account.
Now at this point you could imagine how nervous and scared I was feeling. Especially when she stated that she had known before she had seen my account.
That in itself had made me very confused. Not to be disrespectful to any type of religion but my mom is very Christian and we know how a lot of them react to homosexuality.
I was less confused though, when she told me that I was probably going through a phase. I mean, I should’ve known considering how close to religion that she is. But even though I had made an inference about how she felt it still really hurt. It made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
And she made it even worse when I heard her on the phone talking to my cousin and telling her I was gay. I hadn’t even gotten a chance to talk to my cousin and she was out telling others about it even though I wasn’t comfortable with it.
My cousin has a gay son so I wasn’t worried about her not accepting me but still, it hurt having my mom tell my business before I got the chance to say that to anyone else.
Not to mention the fact that this all happened only 2 years ago. It still sits deep in my heart and I still have arguments about it with her to this day. And add into this her fiancé that is around seventy something years old who is also homophobic and slightly misogynistic and I don’t feel comfortable in my home at all. No matter how safe or happy I try to feel it never works.
And I love my mother I really do but with my ever developing misophonia I find it harder and harder to be around anyone, ESPECIALLY her fiancé.
For the longest time even his voice has begun triggering my misophonia to the point that I get intense anger almost every time I hear him speak. And It’s hard speaking up and being an advocate for our rights when I know that the two adults in our house have the opposite stance as me.
Oh and have I mentioned that I’m only fifteen? Because that makes it even worse. Every time I argue with her fiancé she yells ate me for disrespecting an adult even though she knows that he is in the wrong for some of the things he says.
For an example, I’m on the track team. He told me that I would never be able to run as fast as, or faster then the guys on the team because I’m a girl. It’s all really frustrating and it takes a toll on my mental health.
So yeah, sometimes I wish that I had never even posted about my sexuality and that my mom had never downloaded tiktok. But at the same time I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. I have a chance at finding real love because I was brave enough to come out.
No more hiding.
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